Blogger’s block – is there such a thing?

I just recently recovered my account…

I have been meaning to get back into actively writing and putting my thoughts into words but the swirl of emotions and life got in the way.

How do I even start?

Where do I chronologically start all what transpired in my life these last few months. They said that”…when life gives you lemons, you make what?”

For now, I am glad to have opened the channel again. What to do with it, is reserved for the next chapter.


anyone but me…

I am a man of faces
a facade like many.
A smile to feign happiness
jolly to behold.
An image of near perfection yet damaged
skin-deep, betrayed by shallow eyes
wanting, needing,
shouting whispers of pain so deep
with a soul splintered and flayed,
scars unhealed, touched by flame.
A child of a generation
that hope is but a dream
only given to the deserved.
Not I, not me, none for myself.
still I fight, still I pray
for strength to carry on
I am me
and I will endure.


Waiting to exhale

I lie awake restless, thinking of what should have been. Empty and void, time seemed insignificant and yet, precious as life itself. Unrelenting, unforgiving it waits for no one, black as night.

While the world will keep spinning on itself, the sun rises while the moon sleeps. I am nothing but a bleep in a sea of humans, hoping to stay afloat amidst the tide and catch very breath as rain to parched sand.

Waiting for that absolution, the relief that never comes. Some will win, others will fail. To remain on the surface or sink to the nethers. Forgotten and unfulfilled with tired arms no longer able to fight. Until the last draw and the light fades, and the deep opens its warm embrace, gently falling as the memory of me is but a flicker.

No more pain, no more sorrow. Only darkness and silence creatures unseen, welcome you as a life to nourish. A part of once was, now of another. Since there after only a shell remains. A shadow, a memory, a thought. From someone once loved, once cherished.

A son, a daughter, a friend now, just the one.


“Strangers in the dark…”

” In this dark, slippery corner of the room, watchful eyes in every turn…as I tune myself in and out in this upbeat music in the background. My feet gliding on the tiled floors, silent & careful. The sounds of pleasure radiating from the flat screen, full of promises, filling the watcher with carnal expectations of what is to come and igniting the passion locked inside and must not be seen or heard outside these walls.”

How many times I have traveled the same corridor. What have brought me here?


Earlier today I woke up melancholic. I look up left of me and it was empty, cold and unruffled. How I missed the soft breathing of another in my ear. His gentle touch, the feel of his naked skin against mine and the light stubble of his face teasing my back. How I longed for the warm caress that leads to a deep passionate kiss and bodies intertwined. So familiar but yet still so many places yet to explore. As I feel him inside me, we are no longer two people not united by reason but bounded by love.  Fingers locked as we slowly reach the climax, exhilarating & unapologetic. You and me, against the tide, against the wind.

How quick those times have gone. Sadly, like the embers of the fire on a cold, winter’s night, the heat withered and the ashes blown away, never to return, never to be seen.

lonely man

” So here I am, naked & exposed, with only a thin fabric on my body that hides my complete being. Slowly I walk the dim-lighted path head down and with my heart thumping, wanting to burst out of my chest. The raw, uninhibited feeling of vulnerability oozes out of my pores. Every step, every turn brings a dread in me that pierces the shattered pieces of my soul. The soul you have taken away from me and that part of you, that still lingered. And yet for a fleeting moment I felt free, I felt me. “

Dark shadows follow me, invisible hands reaching out, letting their desires known. Sudden glances full of meaning, a hidden language only spoken among the few while others prefer to join in the fray. Why are they here? Is it the thrill of unsolicited pleasure? Or to fill the void and longing of someone else’s touch, the next kiss or the satisfaction of being wanted and validated. In this place, no one is being judged, no one is being ridiculed for what you are. In the privacy of the room, I can be whoever I want to be and whomever he wants me to be. For a fleeting moment, there are no worries in the world but the rapture of sexual gratification. Uninhibited, unwarranted and no strings.

A fool I might be to pretend that I require this. To expose myself for a moment of vindication. And my answer is yes, I do. For as I head to the showers to wash the remnants of my brief encounter, the water cascading on my back, I feel no regret, no remorse. I leave this place with a renewed sense of acceptance, we are human beings after all. We all crave the company of another, a momentary escape to make ourselves complete and whole again. I take this feeling as I step outside, to face yet another day…for now.


the lament of the ungrateful

“As I tread the pavement in this cold, miserable winter’s day, I saw her – small & insignificant, her head down and back arched, immersed deeply fulfilling her duties. Her frame seems fragile but there is strength and a spirit that undoubtedly had overcome many storms…”

You don’t notice her, a nameless figure by the side of the road. An effervescent presence under a clear day or the selfish misgivings of a downpour. Her instrument, gallantly sweeps the dry leaves from the earth. Skilled & calloused hands gather the consequences of our existence. Unwanted human refuse with their own history, discarded and wasted. What cosmic power had brought her here, in this exact time, this precise moment to relinquish us of our drivels and never to be seen again.

Old woman

From a distance I am an onlooker, afraid to gaze in her eyes and see the truth that lies beneath. What will I see? Is it joy, relief or unequivocal sadness that resonates deep in ones soul. Will she offer me comfort or an accusing glare riddled with questions which I do not have the answers. Despite of this, I do not have the courage to look away. Drawn by her magnificence and unforgiving demeanour although every step proves to much harder than the last. I fear to see my own melancholy reflected in her eyes. The truth of depravity that is present in all of us. A mantle that hides our insecurities, sinister thoughts and jealous nuances.

As I approach to where she stood, I begin to realise that its not from my own doing that brought this confusion. But it is her invention, her life and ambitions. Why did it come to this? From this longing, portrayed a creature of utter regret. Why is such a delicate being subjected to a cacophony of emotions unrelenting and lack of redemption?

The sound of my footsteps echoing my arrival. Our eyes met and she threw me a smile unexpectedly and I the same. I was wrong, I was mistaken. This is a woman with warmth and courage that could best us all. Her tenacity ushered her here, in this life, in this space.

For a moment I was jealous. Because despite of her nature, she lived.


my rebirth in words

This is the post excerpt.

” I have finally done it! Taking the plunge in writing my own blog…finally putting the thoughts in my head into paper and share it to the world. Random ideas on how I see, feel, and perceive life in its truest form.”

What’s with the title you might ask? It is staying true to my very nature. I chose this to name this first venture to pave the way to the direction I wanted to go. Naked, fresh, raw and unapologetic. For one does not apologise for who we are, what we are and what we intend to be. Sink or swim, what is it going to be?


I fought and I lost…

I lost my father today.

Six months ago, I lost my mother.

It is true that life is short and will present you with many highs and many lows. For me, its the latter. They say that to be really closer to God, you need to suffer. I do not consider myself religious although I grew up Catholic and believing in faith and fear of the Almighty. However, this is not a litany about religion or God. This is a question about hope and about this journey we call life.

downloadI have had my share of misgivings and pain. When does it end? The train does not seem to stop, even just for a minute. I need to catch my breath, even just for a minute.

The pain I have felt when I lost my mother was intense, it changed me. For the better or for worse, something inside of me had shifted. A hollow feeling that haunts me in every waking moment. And now this…

No one deserves to die alone, and my father was alone. He didn’t die because of the pandemic but was treated like he did.

I will never forget it.

Truly, now him and my mother are now in a better place. Up in their castle in the sky, now free, now happy, now at peace.

Forgive me for I was not able to give you the life you would have wanted, the life you deserved. I tried but I failed.

This pain, this emptiness will be my strength. Until my ride is over, I will continue to fight.


party of one

I woke up this morning feeling tentative…

It is supposed to be like any other mornings where I optimistically plan on how my day is going to turn out. The drive to go to the gym is a constant struggle where I have to dismiss the feeling of just staying in bed and curve into a ball. The four walls of my apartment provided comfort and protection from the outside world. I do not have the energy to face other people and the feelings of seclusion and isolation are what keeps me relatively whole.



The ironic thing is – I do not feel defeated, I do not feel depressed. But rather, I chose to escape. I chose to fill my head with thoughts of dreams, aspirations and ambiguity.

They say that in order for someone’s life to change, you have to take the reigns and instigate the change. I have done that. What is it then? What am I doing wrong? Is it down to luck or am I just not good enough?

I have reflected on the days past and ponder on what I could have done more. They said that everything happens for a reason, I am still waiting for the penny to drop. My fear is to reach to a point where it will be the anvil that drops and be completely hopeless.

I remain virtually positive and continue on. For how long, I am uncertain.

My new template for life is out there, I just have to patiently search for it. With that, I am sure.



The reluctant son…

I can’t remember much of my childhood.

The laughter, joys and memorable situations that helped shape to the type of human being that I am now.

Snippets of adolescence burdened by the reality of life too soon replays in my mind. Like a silent movie, a reminder of what was once was and what could have been. I don’t recall any tender moment, a loving embrace, sweet exchanges that would have prepared me to face the ugly truth straight in the eyes.

Was I a by-product of a generation gone wrong? Or a society that do not know any better?

The soul is heavy with the inevitable… instinct is telling me to run and look the other way. My heart softly whispers to do what is right and do my duty.

Prodigal by nature – never fitted in, never followed the rules. Singularly dancing to the beat of my own drum, I have always been different. I knew, but I did not have anyone to tell me otherwise. As I entered adolescence, the child that was, is only a distant memory.

lonely man

The years that passed were filled with ambivalence. The path I chose have brought shame & regret to the ones I hold dear. But it is because of who I am that had given me strength & resilience to carry on. The irony now is that my origins do not share the same views. The battle of acceptance lingered with no hope of understanding to be given freely. Being the sole progeny of a misguided home have acquired me the burdens of my forebears. The sickness & heartache endured pushed beyond boundaries. Across the distance, I do what I can and momentarily play the part of a loving son. Despite of my own shortcomings, I do what was expected. I forget the life I have created and make yours less onerous. Never mind my grief, never mind the urge to flee.

The twilight of your days is near, are you afraid? It is true that nothing good or bad lasts forever…For now, I remain unchanged.


“Time is fleeting…”

Like the sands passing through the hourglass – a vision repeatedly playing in my head. Miniscule pieces of memories uncertified and unacknowledged. A part of my life that I can never bring back or relive again to make it right.

I have never been a person to wallow on regrets. Always seizing the moment, never thinking, never hesitating. To damn with the consequences and accountability. Rational thoughts lingered as I ponder the version of events, of what  could have been and what should.

” Time is lost and can never be retrieved. After one’s death what’s next? Is this all that it is and for all of our perseverance to survive this single life, to what it’s all about?”

Sands of time

Past encounters continue to haunt me, am I that beguiled to deserve such fate? Am I to be tormented and languish whether it be from own design or from others? They say that from the time of our birth, our destiny is known. And in the course of time, a man is given the freedom of choice, to which path to tread and make this life as meaningful.

This feeling of discontent, a gaping hole in my existence forbids me to fully embrace the joys and the exhilaration of every breath, of hope that a brand new day brings. As I travel this course that was set before me, it is still unbeknown to what it is that I am being prepared to do nor the reasons why I have survived all the tribulations that brought me here.

If there’s a God, how cruel his sense of humour is. The beauty of the world and His creations are only but a mocking recompense and a temporary relief to all the pain and the suffering permitted against the weak and the hopeless. But despite of this, blind faith to one supreme being that watches over us, rules man’s certainty and disposition. Can God really dictate who we are and what we are to become? Or is it man who ordained these rules of what is right and not from the heavens? The fragility of one’s mind is a measure of the distance of his ability to create, to destroy and achieve.

To accept one’s fate is to deny what should have become.  As I close my eyes and dream visions of the past, the present and the future, I take in a fresh breath of air for I know not, it could be my last.

Although, I know deep in my heart, it is not my destiny. I am still due to do great and terrible things for one day, I will reminisce my triumph and my regrets.


” the rainbow collection…”

“When I was growing up, I knew I was different. Being an only child, I became an introvert, immersed myself into fantasy, sci-fi books that took me far away to unchartered places with people who like me; are not considered ‘ordinary’.

I grew up with varied interests – music, theatre and most of all, the appreciation of the beauty of the same sex although the urges and the acceptance came late during my teenage years brought about by the pressures of society and the stigma associated in being a homosexual.

” To come into terms that I am queer was very daunting. The feeling of inadequacy and not ‘normal’ had been very debilitating. Day by day, the anxiety of not being true to myself was as excruciating if ever the truth had come out. To be subjected to the ridicule and the shame that it would have brought to my family. ”

No one would have chosen this life. I could have remained to be a heterosexual male, find a beautiful woman, build a home with white picket fences and have 2.5 kids and a dog. That would be have been perfect, ideal, and so predictable. Am not dissing out the breeders out there as happiness is not measured on who or what you are but how you make your life is. But not for me, not my life.

“Am I happy?” Have I discovered the pleasures of ‘the life’ I was craving for when I was still a young lad? The answer is yes and no – an eye opener indeed when I finally jumped over the fence and fancied the colour pink instead of blue. It was joyous indeed when I can finally display my Kylie & Madonna’s greatest hits and at last place a copy of Vogue instead of Burke’s backyard on my coffee table(although I still put a copy of Men’s Health but for viewing & research purposes only, especially the very sculpted torsos in shorts!) And let’s not forget the skin tight shirts and jeans as I strut my wares along Oxford street. Also, the opportunity to be in love and be loved for the very first time was magical. I specifically enjoyed being intimate with someone whose got real pecs instead of a pair of charleys if you catch my drift. Ultimately celebrating mardi gras like its gay Christmas!

But after all the crazy parties, the fancy clothes and hot encounters, behind the glitter can be a lonely life. A life that is berated by constant reminders of ‘a chosen life’. Marriage is not an option as society is still closed minded about the issue. Similarly with starting a family although possible in this day and age, could still prove to be rather expensive and a lengthy process. Or even in just finding ‘the one’ to share the journey with, both the joy and heartaches. Several factors might have contributed to this  including the impact of social media as well as the notion of a perfect man whose lifestyle includes spending ridiculous hours at the gym, can drink cupious amounts of vodka(which is not bad as its low on carbs!), and with perfect buns that reaches the heavens! Alright, alright, I admit. I am envious of these young ones who thinks they on top of the food chain. The sad fact is – the gay marketability is in three stages: Stage one – the Twink  – I’m young, hung with 0% percent body fat and hair for that matter!. Stage Two – 25 – 30years – borderline, young’ish. I am still marketable but slightly concerned as i am close to the undesirable age limit. Stage Three – 30 and up – I am stable, considerably fit and ready to settle down stage. My health fund covers lipo and botox injections under ‘lifestyle enhancements’.

Call me old-fashioned but with all the technology these days, you would think that it will make it easier, not in the slightest! The precision required to swipe either left or right, the endless appointments that does not really happen, and the fascination of colour segregation – white is to white, brown and black are for ‘maybe’s’. The rule of ‘no pic, no chat’  is sound however, there are reasons why some guys don’t have picture on their profile. It could be for privacy reasons, closeted queens or maybe just do not want to be placed under a microscope and be judged by random strangers based on how they look. To be raw and vulnerable online can be quite daunting even if you are just looking for fun. It also feels sometimes that everybody is ‘labelled’ and if you do not fit the mould, you have no chance. The pretty boy syndrome is very much prevalent in the gay society although no one wants to admit it. Yes, we all have our preferences but it does not take much to be polite and courteous of one another. After all, we are all cut from the same cloth, etc, etc… I have had my fair share of the good, the bad and the ugly of online dating. From a request for a gift certificate to being catfished  several times! For those who don’t know, catfished is someone who looked different in their photos as to in real life. How tragic and funny at the same time honestly!

Just be real, be honest and most of all – be yourself! What’s the worst thing that could happen? Be rejected? yes that’s a possibility but there are thousands of guys out there who may or may not be the perfect fit for you. Carry on and onto the next one…

So what’s in store in the future? Not sure yet, I am too busy choosing my selfie pic for my profile, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do! Stay safe, until next time!